Self-love is a prerequisite for self-knowledge
How well do we really know one self?
We’ve all heard the advice: “Know yourself.” Socrates made it sound like step one of the good life — as if all you needed was a mirror and a bit of honesty. But if you’ve ever actually tried to really understand why you do the things you do, you know how messy it gets.
It turns out, self-knowledge isn’t just about catching your thoughts like butterflies in a net. According to philosopher Jan Bransen in his article Self-Knowledge and Self-Love (2015), the surprising truth is: to truly know yourself, you first have to love yourself.
And here is why?
Bransen gives us a simple everyday story.
Emma cancels a meeting with her friend Frank because she needs to buy her son a birthday present. Frank, understandably a little annoyed, asks: “Why didn’t you plan this earlier?”
At this moment, Emma has two choices.
Evasive Emma says: “Work got in the way. My colleague was a nightmare. I had no choice.” She pushes the blame outward, presenting herself as a victim of circumstances.
Truthful Emma says: “Honestly, I had a bad day yesterday. I didn’t plan well, and I just didn’t have the energy to buy the present. I’m sorry.” She admits her limits and takes ownership of her decision.
Who shows better self-knowledge?
Bransen argues that it’s Truthful Emma — not because her facts are different, but because she recognizes her own role honestly and with a kind acceptance of her imperfection.
What This Tells Us About Self-Knowledge
We usually think of self-knowledge as a kind of mental accuracy. Can I correctly identify my thoughts, feelings, or beliefs? Did I describe my state of mind correctly? But Bransen says that’s too narrow. Self-knowledge is not just epistemic (about knowing), it’s also existential and affective (about being and caring).
It’s not just: “Do I know what I think?” It’s also: “Do I accept that these are my reasons, my flaws, my choices?”
That’s where self-love comes in. Without self-love, our knowledge of ourselves can easily warp:
If we’re too harsh, self-reflection becomes self-hatred.
If we’re too easy, reflection becomes excuse-making.
With balance — the “warm and gentle kindness” Bransen talks about — reflection becomes truthful knowledge.
Here’s Bransen’s bold claim: you can’t have true self-knowledge without self-love.
Why? Because self-love gives us the courage to look at ourselves honestly, and the compassion to accept what we see.
Think of it this way: if you look at yourself only with judgment, you’ll either:
Avoid the truth (like Evasive Emma), or
Attack yourself and spiral into shame.
Neither is real self-knowledge. Real knowledge requires that middle ground — caring enough to be honest, but gentle enough to not crush yourself in the process.
Bransen writes that “to know yourself, you must love yourself,” not in a narcissistic way, but as a warm and gentle kindness that welcomes imperfections without excusing them.
The Balance of Self-Knowledge
This is where Bransen introduces something really interesting: self-knowledge is about finding the balance between being too easy and too merciless with yourself.
Be too easy → you never face your responsibility.
Be too merciless → you lose sight of your humanity.
Truthful Emma holds the balance. She admits her limits, takes responsibility, but doesn’t annihilate herself with guilt. She knows she could do better, but she also accepts her humanness.
This balancing act is why self-love is crucial: without love, we can’t hold the tension between imperfection and worthiness.
Why This Matters for Everyday Life
It’s easy to dismiss this as philosophical nitpicking, but think about how often we face “Emma moments”:
Cancelling on a friend.
Making a mistake at work.
Snapping at someone you care about.
In those moments, you have the same choice as Emma:
Tell yourself a defensive story (“It wasn’t my fault!”).
Attack yourself (“I’m the worst, I’ll never get it right”).
Or, love yourself enough to face the truth kindly (“I messed up, here’s why, and I’ll try again”).
The third option takes practice. But over time, it builds both self-knowledge and resilience.
Bransen’s point isn’t that self-love makes you blind to your flaws. It’s the opposite. Self-love gives you the courage to face your flaws without drowning in them. As he puts it, self-knowledge is not just about being a “knowing self” who reports facts, but about being a loving self who cares for the person she is becoming.
Socrates may have said, “Know thyself.” But maybe the fuller wisdom is: “Love thyself, so you can know thyself.”
Because without love, knowledge collapses into self-hatred or excuses. But with love, knowledge becomes truth. And that truth can change the way we live, connect, and grow.
So the next time you catch yourself spiralling in self-criticism or hiding behind excuses, remember Emma. And ask yourself: Am I being evasive? Or truthful — with kindness? That choice is where self-love and self-knowledge meet.
Until next time remember…To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. (Oscar Wilde) so keep going.
Love,
SLS family
