More Science Behind a Misunderstood Concept: What Is Self-Love?
For centuries, self-love has been one of those concepts that divides opinions. Is it selfish? Is it the same as narcissism? Or is it actually the foundation for well-being? Philosophers have gone back and forth. Plato once called self-love “the greatest evil.” Kant argued it made moral action impossible. But others, like Aristotle, Rousseau, and Nietzsche, saw value in it, describing self-love as a form of self-friendship or even a vital condition for flourishing.
Fast forward to today, and the confusion hasn’t disappeared. Many people still mix up self-love with narcissism. But psychologist Eva Henschke (2021) took on this challenge in her dissertation, aiming to clear the fog with a fresh definition and a tool to measure self-love scientifically.
Through interviews with psychotherapists and a detailed thematic analysis, Henschke proposed a clear model of self-love with three main pillars:
Self-Contact
Being in touch with your thoughts, emotions, and body.
It means noticing what you feel, acknowledging your needs, and having an honest inner dialogue.
Self-Acceptance
Being at peace with yourself — both your “shadow” (imperfections, limits) and your strengths.
It’s about welcoming all parts of yourself instead of constantly fighting or hiding them.
Self-Care
Taking active steps to protect and nurture yourself.
This includes treating yourself kindly, shaping relationships that are healthy, and creating time for rest, joy, and well-being.
Together, these three weave into an attitude of self-kindness — the essence of self-love.
Henschke’s model doesn’t stop at theory. She went on to design the Self-Love Questionnaire (SLQ), a 27-item tool that measures self-love as a psychological construct. Her studies showed that:
People with higher self-love report greater life satisfaction and resilience.
They also show fewer depressive symptoms.
Importantly, self-love was not correlated with narcissism, confirming the distinction.
This makes self-love more than a fluffy self-help buzzword. It’s a measurable, evidence-based resource for mental health and well-being. One of the most beautiful insights from Henschke’s work is that:
“Self-love doesn’t isolate us from others — it connects us more deeply.”
She echoes Fromm’s view: the way we treat ourselves parallels how we treat others.
When we practice self-contact, we’re better able to connect authentically with others.
When we accept ourselves, we’re more accepting of others.
When we care for ourselves, we create the capacity to care for our communities.
So self-love isn’t selfish. It’s a contribution to healthier relationships and, ultimately, a healthier society.
Self-love has carried centuries of misunderstanding — dismissed as selfishness, confused with narcissism, or ignored in research. Thanks to Eva Henschke’s work, we now have a clearer definition:
Self-love is a learnable attitude of self-kindness, built on self-contact, self-acceptance, and self-care.
Practicing it isn’t just good for you — it’s good for everyone around you. So the next time someone rolls their eyes at “self-love,” you can smile and say: it’s not just a trend. It’s science.
Until next time remember…To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. (Oscar Wilde) so keep at it.
Love,
SLS community
